It’s late. Almost half past 2.
Yesterday, while I was making my usual late night meal for when I’m up at ungodly hours, I was holding a matchbox and something hit me.
You ever wondered how a matchbox is a universal thing (unless you live elsewhere in the universe and don’t know what I’m talking about)?
How it exists in all households, in both mansions and slums. Like laughter. (This comparison is not inclusive of the 5 shillings required to purchase a matchbox), though you can but laughter though purchasing of bundles to look at memes.
I can’t sleep again for the fourth night in a row. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I keep waiting during the day to at least pass out for hours or something but that also does not happen, so I’ve been in my head a lot lately.
It’s difficult when you’re an introvert with zero social skills, social anxiety and a number of other very numerous issues. I wish I could talk to people and not feel different or judged or anything. Instead, my happy place is a pen and paper or the one or two people I call friends and who I burden with all my twisted issues.
I am not happy. Even with my pen and paper.It’s not deliberate, and I’m not unhappy either, but I feel like I lack a sense of excitement that has always been there. My heart is not lit up and I am told that I constantly have this resting “angry” face.
I should be happy. Almost everything is going well for me, except for the fact that I have not been feeling well.
I should be joyous and jumpy and weird but I don’t feel like my usual self. Maybe that’s the reason why I can’t sleep. Maybe that’s exactly what my mind is trying to figure out.
I don’t know how to get my matchbox of laughter. I’ve not laughed out sincerely in so long. I crave something to make my ribs hurt.
I have also been looking at lots of memes lately. I think that is the one place I find genuine comedy that has individuality and is sometimes just as dark, awkward and weird as my occasional sense of humor.
I might have lost my spark somewhere in the past few weeks but I am working at fixing it. At fixing me.
I’m not seeing any change yet but maybe that is because there are a few more things I know I need to do to start seeing any altercations to my general mood and for me to achieve what I want.
Maybe I just miss home.