I made pancakes today.
They were pretty good. It’s weird how with time, I feel like I am getting better at making them.
Yesterday I had an idea of selling them to people. 10 shillings or 15 depending on the size. That would be an easy way to make some money. Then I could get to buy some things that I know I need in this house.
But then my body is unwilling to move.
I know that I am a very lazy human being. And even if I start making those pancakes to sell, I would eventually stop because maybe I just couldn’t sit up one day. I just lay there all day knowing I would need to be active and make some pancakes, but I will not get up.
I am even more stubborn against myself.
I’ve just finished eating them. My almost 7 year old laptop is right beside me. The chocolate bar I got for my birthday is halfway on it, and a jar of honey is on my right.
I don’t want to do anything, think anything. But my brain is it’s own boss.
What if I was an island?
(Image from Fiji Guide)
What if I could have water all around me and sit still while people vacationed on me?
What if the only thing I had to worry about was how hard the ocean waters could hit and how deep I had to let the trees go before they were old enough.
What if I was an island?
What if all I had to do was sit on my own, with my other island friends a little too far away for a daily hello.
What if I had my own problems, but couldn’t let my island family know because they would be worried and I don’t want that.
I don’t let people around me get too close because I feel like an island. Like nobody could ever understand the many little things that makes me tick.
Like they seem to have it all figured out and all I have figured out is maybe this chocolate bar doesn’t stay here for long.
Sometimes I don’t like being alone. I get lonely. And being alone then has me thinking of when I wasn’t alone. And that makes me try to find someone who wants to pretend to be with me, till my use for them is due then they leave me to be alone once more.
Sometimes I really like being alone. Because then I can rotate my mind around things that don’t really make sense.
So I can dance around my place in my own weird little way and feel, well not normal really, but me. And feel like me.
Sometimes being alone is my happy place. I don’t have to sit upright or listen to conversations that I might not have had to listen to.
I don’t have to hurt my eyes in the sun (I have a condition: myopic something : I don’t really remember the last part, but my eyes hurt in the sun and I have to wear glasses now, plus I am short sighted). So it literally really hurts to go out.
Maybe I am cursed to be inside the house. Maybe I will always feel like an outsider.
Maybe I really am destined to meet people in the comforts of my home. It would be really cool. If I didn’t need to leave my place and go outside to meet people. That there was a way I could sit at home and still have reasonable conversations with reasonable humans and make meaningful relationships.
Sometimes I am too philosophical for my own mind. I should loosen up a little. But how? Dancing around right now feels weird. I am typing with my phone.
My laptop’s problem is that it is old. I think. It shows movies really slow. It does any and all things while buffering every 3 seconds. So I can’t use it for anything but background noise to my thoughts.
I got it from my uncle after he was done with campus and I was starting.
Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are too compact. Like I need to use more sentences in my thinking and delivery of those same thoughts.
Maybe I can find something to watch on the laptop. There is a really cool series I was watching, “The End Of The Fucking World” it’s about this awkward boy and this awkward girl. And they are perfect together.
Today I’ll have a happy to be alone day. I never know it until about 4 hours from when I wake up.