First things first, I need to calm my nerves. I didn’t think you would actually read the letter I sent. My hands are shaky, I can’t even hold a glass of water right. I’m sweating through the keyboard right now. At one point I think I forgot to breathe. But that could just be this weather and maybe I am coming down with a cold. You know how terrible my flu usually is, I need not explain.
Now, I have a few concerns about the said reply letter that got to me early Sunday morning.
One. In your letter you said that you will always blame me for all your regrets, because… And I quote “I treated you like you were nobody to me”. Jesse do you hear yourself? You egotistical maniac! I wish you were nobody to me. I wish there was even the tiniest bit of truth to your words, because then my heart would not break as it does. I wish you were just that nobody, because I would be able to close my eyes for more than 10 minutes without seeing you in the dark. How I wish your words were true you selfish bastard, just so I would be able to live my life again.
Two. You say that if you were to tell me either the truth or the lies (which in this case are the same to you), that I would still leave you cold. But come on Jesse, who left who in the first place? With no valid reason. With not as much as a mere explanation. Who broke who? Tell me Jesse. Who gave up on our forever. Who let forever fade away? I know the answer to these questions cannot be me, especially since I am crying myself to sleep every night.
Three. You want another chance. With who? Me? Because no. I do not accept. You want to make me your plaything once more. You only want to toy with me and leave when I get so hooked to you that I can’t breathe when you are away. You want to make me the carcass I was when I was with you. You want to choke the little life I have left in me. No Jesse. Not again. I may be breaking each day, but I am fixing myself. And each tomorrow is better than every yesterday.
Four. Please never mention forever to me. That is not a word that should ever come out of your treacherous lips. Do me a favor, and don’t even think of thinking about forever. You are not worth being anybody’s forever. You are not a being that can fathom the meaning of such a powerful word.
Five. Well… I need to laugh here first. You need the life we had back? Really darling? Say it out loud and see if you sound believable. Because I am sure you cannot even get through the want part of that statement. I have heard too many of your lies, and I am not getting sucked back in. Not anymore. Find another to feed these empty promises to. Not this Julia.
Six. “This time I promise never to hurt you again, or walk away, or leave you alone” Damn. I think you took a class so as to write that letter. You really sound true. Any other girl could totally believe you. But na-ah. Not this Julia. I don’t want your promises. And that’s my final word on this.
And Jesse, I wish I was strong enough to lift not one, but both of us. Sadly… I am forced to choose.
I love you Jesse. And since you finish your letter saying you hate wondering if I am safe… Hell yeah. I am. I’m surrounding myself with positivity and real people. I am focussing on me, I eat well, and healthy-ish. I am treating myself the way you should have but didn’t. And I love me more now than I ever did you.